100 Wisest Words (And my smart-ass comebacks)

A high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words – found on Facebook, no source link to validate if this is true or not.

(Underneath each quote of wisdom are brackets with my debate…enjoy!)

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1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.

(Then why are stairs there?  However one wishes to look at getting into a pool, pushing the swimming coach into the pool during a meet is frowned upon also.  This act of insubordination will find you removed from the illustrious swimming team, a week of in-school suspension, and forever known as “the douche who dunked the coach.”)

2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.

(If you have no other way to contact the person, at least try calling them to tell them you’re in the hospital in a different country with a highly contagious flesh-eating bacteria and ask if next weekend is available.)

3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.

(Unless you are a locked door.  Then knock.)

4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.

(If a street performer is really good, give them five bucks.  Or record them on your phone and upload it to YouTube, which is equivalent to five bucks depending on the city and inflation.)

5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.

(Especially important while writing protest signs: “We suck.”)

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.

(False.  If the secret hurts someone else, tell the person.  Don’t be the guy who says “Oh yeah, I knew about your wife screwing around with the entire city council, but it was a secret and someone told me I shouldn’t tell them to anyone.”)

7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.

(Isn’t this the entire purpose of the game?)

8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

(This falls under the “No kidding” clause.)

9. Don’t dumb it down.

(Unless you are dumb.  Then pull a “Fox News” and make it up all you want.)

10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.

(False.  You can blame allergies, the weather, the lighting, use the “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” line… I could keep going, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.)

11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.

(Also false.  Leave.)

12. Never park in front of a bar.

(What if you want to into a bar?)

13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.

(For what?  The apocalypse?  Unless the seat begins to move, I expect it to stay in its original position.)

14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.

(Why?  These are all things you no longer have because you neglected – why do you want to remember your failures?)

15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.

(Agreed.  Also, don’t choose heroes who are idiots.)

16. A suntan is earned, not bought.

(A suntan is nature’s warning shot.  Next time expect a sunburn.)

17. Never lie to your doctor.

(Kind of pointless of going to a doctor you’re lying to, isn’t it?  This should be obvious.)

18. All guns are loaded.

(So are politicians.  The damage depends on who holds the weapon.)

19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.

(Sunburn!  And who are “they?”  The government?  Why do “they” care about sunburns?)

20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.

(“Thanks for burning my dinner, honey!”  “You’re welcome!”  “Mind if I wear it tomorrow?”  “Um, what?”)

21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.

(Just not at the same time.  You have to have something to do on the toilet.)

22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.

(Tell that to a celiac.)

23. A handshake beats an autograph.

(I’d rather have a famous person sign my bedpost than shake my hand any day of the week.)

24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.

(Unless you’re building it.)

25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.

(A teacher said this?  In what school?)

26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.

(Right.  Like we need reminding of our obvious faults.)

27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.

(Tell that to women everywhere who schedule hair appointments the day of their wedding.)

28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.

(Unless you are an astronaut.  Then add “asteroids” and “satellites” to the list.)

29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.

(Why?  I do this all the time.  Unless it’s tuna fish, then I eat at the boss’s desk.)

30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

(Because nothing says awkward like being asked about your old friends replying “I don’t want to talk about it.”)

31. Eat lunch with the new kids.

(One word: pedophile.)

32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.

(And try to hold on to money and a passport too.  Wits will only take you to Ohio.)

33. It’s never too late for an apology.

(Sorry.)

34. Don’t pose with booze.

(“With booze” is unnecessary.  Simply “Don’t pose” will suffice.)

35. If you have the right of way, take it.

(That’s why the 11th commandment Moses brought down from Mount Sinai said “Thou shalt use thine horn when the asshat before thou willest not move immediate from a red light.”)

36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.

(That’s right, Spunky.)

37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.

(That “Big Love” show makes much more sense now.)

38. Never push someone off a dock.

(Uh, why not?  Never been a kid?  I’ve thrown people off docks.  It’s great fun.  Like skipping people.)

39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

(Agreed.  Even if you see a baby coming out of her vagina, refuse to ask. Your brain will scream at you to ask, however you will have to poke it with q-tips to stop.)

40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.

(I’m American Indian and British…so, kill myself?)

41. Don’t make a scene.

(Unless you’re a screenwriter.  Or a fiction writer.  Or a set builder.  You know what?  Go ahead and make scenes – leave it up to others to watch.)

42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.

(You’re welcome.)

43. Know when to ignore the camera.

(There’s a camera?  Great.  Now I know there’s a camera I’m supposed to ignore.)

44. Never gloat.

(I agree.  I consider it poor taste.  I’d rather throw pies at the enemies I just slaughtered on the battlefield.)

45. Invest in good luggage.

(And Apple stock in 1976 when someone invents a time machine.)

46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.

(I’m pretty sure that’s 14 hours of pain she’d rather forget.)

47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.

(Guessing defeats the purpose of opening, doesn’t it?)

48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.

(So is alcohol, and it will make you limp.)

49. Give credit. Take blame.

(Or get credit, get blamed – however you want to look at it.)

50. Suck it up every now and again.

(Unless you have a cocaine addiction, of course.)

51. Never be the last one in the pool.

(What is it with teachers and pools?  Just get in already.)

52. Don’t stare.

(Then stop looking at me.)

53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.

(Yes, sir.  Can I have my license back?)

54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.

(Well, twice if they win the first fight.)

55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.

(What if you have a really solid second point?)

56. Admit it when you’re wrong.

(I will gladly admit when I’m wrong the day you admit I’m right.)

57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.

(In related news, don’t pay your college buddies beer to help you move.)

58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.

(Just remember to look away.  There’s a fine line between a thankful stare and a homicidal gaze.)

59. Thank the bus driver.

(As soon as she takes out her ear-buds I will.)

60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.

(“at the dinner table” is unnecessary.)

61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

(Better yet: amnesia.  Become someone new.)

62. Know at least one good joke.

(And please make sure it’s funny.  No one likes to hang around the dude that only knows one bad joke.)

63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.

(Yeah, his dad might be blind as well.)

64. Know how to cook one good meal.

(Ramen count?)

65. Learn to drive a stick shift.

(On what?  The three cars still made with manual transmissions?)

66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.

(Just be cool to kids.  Period.)

67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.

(Of course.  People usually frown when you put your arm around other couples, though.)

68. Dance with your mother/father.

(Same to you, motherfather..)

69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.

(Meh.  Just say you’re bi-polar.)

70. Always thank the host.

(…says the leech.)

71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.

(And don’t ask on the day of the test, either.  Most instructors hate that.)

72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.

(If you ask your girlfriend/wife the size of her clothes, expect a punch or silent treatment.  Be a ninja and find the information.)

73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.

(Especially when you put real clothes of it.  Or water.)

74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.

(And stop interrupting me…I wasn’t finished.)

75. Keep your word.

(Unless you’re trying to sell books.)

76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.

(I’m 6′ 6.  I stand out everywhere except in a basketball game.)

77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.

(Not in her hands.)

78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.

(You see how happy they are doing their jobs?  American dream, baby.)

79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.

(Better than the guy who eats with his mouth open behind you.)

80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.

(EVERYONE likes people who shower.  This is common sense.)

81. You are what you do, not what you say.

(I am a computer?  This makes reproduction awkward.)

82. Learn to change a tire.

(Better yet: Learn to carry around a AAA card.)

83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.

(Except wrestlers.  They pretend to make it look like a hard fight.)

84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.

(And if you don’t have grandparents (like me,) any old person will do.  Most will enjoy the company of telling old stories.)

85. Don’t litter.

(Cats hate competition.)

86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.

(No it isn’t.  If you have a sister, you know this is false.)

87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.

(Tell that to Henry Rollins as he stands on your face.)

88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.

(Was this list made in the 1970’s?  Do phones have cords and rotary dials also?)

89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.

(Why?  Has the cost of Tennessee dropped for some reason?)

90. Make the little things count.

(Like cutting toenails.  Have your kids cheer wildly when you cut the whole nail off in one chunk.)

91. Always wear a bra at work.

(-Sigh-  Fine.. but I’m pretty sure human resources may disapprove.)

92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.

(Found it.  It doesn’t exist anymore.)

93. You’re never too old to need your mom.

(This is all fine and dandy when your mom isn’t gone…sigh.)

94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.

(Ladies, if you want to complain about your feet hurting, expect me to offer a free foot-rub.  I don’t charge until the third date.)

95. Know the words to your national anthem.

(Don’t bother, just know the rhythm.  As long as you can fake your way through it, people don’t care.)

96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.

(The key is “more fun.”  Pretending to breakdance and splitting your forehead open requiring seven stitches is “more fun” than sitting on a bench, but it also hurts.)

97. Smile at strangers.

(That way you get a police escort wherever you end up going.)

98. Make goals.

(Don’t bother finishing them, just make them.  Check.)

99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.

(This one is just made up.  If it were up to me, I’d sleep like a cat.)

100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.

(I prefer the idea of “If you must fight, be the guy who ends it.”)

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One thought on “100 Wisest Words (And my smart-ass comebacks)

  1. Pingback: My site: 2013 in review | Dr Christopher Tallant

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