The past two weeks, I’ve listened to nothing but standard boring FM radio. I can find something interesting in all types of music, however I feel my age is catching up with me. After listening to Detroit and Canadian music stations, I’m convinced I’m too old to enjoy all the music on the radio now. Most stations have music of a specific type, and I seem to get annoyed at any of the music being played. Scratch that, I did enjoy a rock station playing AC/DC’s TNT. Maybe I’m getting old? Or maybe I’m mad at myself. I’ll try to explain:
Back in 2001, I wrote, recorded and released two albums. A friend of mine Jim called the style “Blendered” since he couldn’t classify anything I made which was clearly rock, rap, electronic, metal, etc. I liked having a unique sound and the ability to create whatever I wanted to listen to, when I wanted to listen to it. The other problem I have, is not being an egomaniac, I couldn’t sell it to anyone and ended up selling a total of four copies world-wide. Most people will tell you if you’re creative, you must sell not only your product, but also yourself. These people are dead right. My problem is I couldn’t sell myself to a hooker. My self-esteem sucks and I don’t believe anything I do is worth the medium used to create the object.
Needless to say, I stopped making music. I could blame the lack of recording on my hard drive crashing with a handful of works in progress, or I could say because my daughter was born I didn’t have time to record anymore, however you and I both know these are excuses. I hate excuses since it shows someone is lazy, even if the excuse has a valid point. I’m trying to stop making excuses and get my ass in gear which runs back into my other problem of being a bad self-promoter.
Before I started creating music, I was big into art. Painting and comic books and such were what I would spend most of my free time creating. Same thing would happen: I would finish a project, such as: a large painting of something amazing and shove it in the back of the closet. At the time I blamed the issue on being a perfectionist, however I’ve grown to understand this is a bigger problem than me and my self-esteem issues.
At first I thought: I’m ashamed at what I’ve created. Next excuse was “Perfectionist.” Both are nonsense.
Today, I took a look back and realized everything which was holding me back in the past is nothing more than me not believing in myself enough to show others what I’ve done. The problem being now I’m doing the same thing with my writing works as well. I’m 34 years old, born in 1978 and I think it’s time I grow up and start acting like an adult – targeting specifically in the areas of my work.
I can’t tell you why I feel ashamed or not proud at anything I’ve created. I’m confident in the fact anything I put my mind to I can do – that’s not it at all. I know for a fact I can do anything I put my mind to. And I’m tired of taking the lazy way out and saying I’m a perfectionist and never want to see/hear the work again, or since I have low self-esteem I don’t want others to see/hear it. That’s me being lazy. I know that. I understand it. I have no idea how to change it, but I want to try.
Maybe that’s all I need: some self motivation or a way to not give a damn. Maybe I should talk to my shrink about this. Maybe I should stop blogging and actually write…other than video game reviews.
Sigh. Maybe I’m thinking too much and doing too little.
Pass the wine-ly,